Escapism: The Best Form of Denial

This post is old, so what you see here may not reflect my current opinion and mindset, certain information may be outdated, and links may be broken.

Warning: Semi-stream-of-consciousness style writing ahead.

No, I haven’t pissed off and died like Provo did for 48 hours. Instead, I just haven’t felt like blogging much these days. Right now I’m at the point in my life where I’m just lost at everything. It doesn’t help that work is affecting the way I feel the most, amongst other things.

Instead of blogging, I’ve been turning to Harry Potter fanfiction to escape from life. Most of the time, I read fanfictions. However, I’ve been writing my own share of fanfictions as well. Right now, I’m working on a fic that revolves around Neville/Draco as a pairing. Quite interesting, really. Since the fic is being written in first person point of view using Draco’s voice, I feel like I’m channelling my frustrations through him. Never mind that he’s fictional and vastly different from me, starting with gender. Writing, though, is really therapeutic. For a while at least.

While I lose myself in fanfictions, I also lose myself in reading about such stars like Freddie Mercury. I want to know more about him. He fascinates me. His life, his musical talent — everything about him screams to me. I even considered buying the documentary DVD of his life — only to discover it was 40+ bucks. Granted, it’s a two-disc set, but still. I’m not sure what attracts him to me. Maybe it’s the way he lived. I want to do something different with my life like he did. Only problem is, I don’t know how.

I keep looking at travel tickets to Tokyo and London. I really need to stop torturing myself. The more I look at them, the more I want to leave here and go to one of the two locations. Never mind that I never been to London, I still want to go to the UK. I’ve always been fascinated by that nation. Even as a child, I admired that country. However, Tokyo is closer to South Korea — my home country. However both places are so expensive, and since the dollar-won rate conversion is great right now, I don’t dare leave that comfort yet.

I should also consider on a graduate programme. Only problem is I know what I really want to study. I want to study literature. I want to study contemporary and modern literature. Despite my hatred of some modern writers (T.S. Eliot and Ezra Pound are a couple), I have a love-hate relationship with them. That’s what I really want to study, if I had the money right off hand. That’s my idealistic side talking, though. My practical side screams at me to don’t go that route. It orders me to choose a “practical” degree, a degree I’ll live my career off of. The problem with that logic is simple: I don’t know what career I want any more.

Really, my head’s a mess with reality. That’s why I escape it through various means, and right now it’s fanfictions. At least I’m not taking the alcoholic/drug route, hahaha.


  1. Fanfictions! Sounds a ton better than drugs! And the Draco/Neville pairing is actually quite genius… I can see how funny it would turn out because they are completely different xD

    I hope you decide on the route that makes you happiest :) and we know what that means! hop on that plane and then take that literature programme! <3 life is too short to sufferrrrrrr

  2. Leanne on

    Sometimes writing is the best way to let your mind seep through your pencil tip.

  3. Sometimes putting my mind off to something else helps to keep me going. I love the idea of pairing the fic between Neville/Draco, nice one.

    If you believe in your interest in literature, then stand firm with your decision and go for it. I’ve been in the same situation before where I’m totally lost, try keeping your mind off the source of problem for a while and think positive. Bad times will soon be over.

  4. Felisa on

    I’ve only read one fanfiction in my life and that’s probably a good things because I’ll probably get addicted too. Writing is my “escape”. I blog a lot, comment to people’s blogs a lot and write in my journal a lot.

    I think I feel the same away about Italy as you do about England. I’ve never been there but I would LOVE to go. Unfortunately, the dollar-euro exchange rate right now means my dollar won’t go far if I ever go there. =/ Oh well, we can both dream about going to those places. We’ll probably be able to go there someday.

  5. That’s an interesting pairing. I bet it is fun to write. Challenges like those are the best to try to make it seem like it could possibly happen. That is probably why I like to write Alternate Pairing fanfics the most.

    My sister likes reading Harry Potter fanfics a lot, but her favorite site is still down so she is griping haha. She started a story for HP that is pretty steamy.

    Everyone is talking about out of the country vacations… the biggest vacation plan I have is a trip to the beach… 8-9 hours away. X_X

  6. I use to read Backstreet Boys fan fiction when I was a little teenybopper but since then, I can’t seem to see what’s so appealing about fan fiction anymore… especially fan fiction on celebrities… they’re kinda freaky!

  7. Hmm…I don’t think I’ve ever read Harry Potter fanfic and I never knew there were Backstreet Boys fanfic. Lol. The only fanfic I read are anime fanfic….

    Yeah I like looking at the travel tickets, although the prices make me sad since I have no money. Lol.

  8. Oh man, Backstreet Boy Fanfiction! I remember stumbling across fansites including that type of writing on it when I first got the internet as a 13-year-old pop-loving kid. I was really startled by it – I think mostly it’s because they’re real people while book characters are not. I kept thinking “what if Nick Carter / any other bbb stumble on this site where he and a tween girl fall in love? Creeeeeeepy!” And I know the feeling now, an ex-boyfriend wrote a quasi-fetishy ‘fanfic’ about me after we stopped dating and offered to send it to me. O_O Ew ew ew. (Sorry for sharing, but I had to let it out somewhere, lol.)

    But yay, belding fictional characters to our wills!

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