First Panel Discussion

This post is old, so what you see here may not reflect my current opinion and mindset, certain information may be outdated, and links may be broken.

Let me tell you, when it comes to discussion, I can only do it in either a small group or one-on-one. I cannot do it in front of an audience, especially when I’m being graded it for. Never mind being prepared, my mind goes blank, and what I want to say doesn’t come out. Instead, mindless babbling comes out.

That’s what happened to me today in Philosophy class. I bombed it so bad. I got a “B”, and yes that’s still good, but dammit! I do not want a “B”!!!!! I want a fucking “A”. I think it sucks that I only can get a “B” for something I suck at it. No matter how hard I try at this crap, I know I will not get an “A” in this class.

Never mind the fact how much I prepare for this class, if I don’t present it well to the teacher’s standard, I don’t get that damn grade I want. I am so mad that my 3.91 gpa is gonna be ruined all because of a class I HAVE to take, and all because this class is ENTIRELY in panel discussion form with a two five-paged essay for a final exam.

I was so miserable the past few days, dreading this damn discussion. And then when the time came, I just sounded like a contradicting idiot. All those eyes staring at me, and the teacher grading me is not a good combination. Sure, I can sub and still get thousands of eyeballs staring at me, but damn, this is just a whole different level.

I wanted to cry out of frustration after class. I didn’t, manage to hold it back. Hell, even my partner was like, “I thought you were gonna cry after he yelled at you.” Haha, I didn’t though.

After class, Jacquie, my saviour of the day, and I went to Bentley’s and shared a pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea. We both got happily buzzed. I don’t feel as miserable as I would be if I was sober. So whee for that. *sighs* Two more damn panel discussions to go. I should have just taken this damn class online. At least, online, I just do paper and projects individually rather than a damn panel discussion.

“Just do your best and accept the grade you receive.” Whatever. All the effort I put into this is just wasted. I should just not bother and do a shit arsed job for the next two since I know I’m not gonna get an “A”. Sod contemporary moral issues. Sod panel discussions. And sod, SOD my inability to do a fucking presentation without sounding like an idiot!


  1. Aw…I hope it goes better in your next panel discussion. The thing with presenting or discussing anything in front of people is just practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Seriously. When I was little, I was freaked to be standing in front of people pointing at things on a poster when I’m presenting. But now, I do a half arsed job on preparing but I still manage to get a good grade because I’m confident in myself with presenting. I WANT to present since it’s kind of fun to have everyone staring at you and you’re sharing all these cool things and just thinking, look at how cool I am. I’m the center of attention! Haha. But, anyway, good luck with the next two!

  2. Chibi Misao on

    I can’t believe your professor actually yelled at you. That’s pretty ridiculous and uncalled for seeing as you’re supposed to be in a learning environment (a stressful one at that, but still). I hope you don’t give up trying though! Be yourself. You’re a confident person with great opinions, so for the time that your discussions take place, try to remember that and forget about everyone else around you. I know it’s way easier said than done, but it’s worth trying. Good luck with the remainder of your discussions!

  3. Ugh I’m terrible with public speaking too… though as Yingna says, it does get easier with practice. Maybe because you were so focused on your nervousness that it made things worse than it should be? But ah well, it’s over and done with. Hope the next one has more positive results!

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