Apologies and Explainations

This post is old, so what you see here may not reflect my current opinion and mindset, certain information may be outdated, and links may be broken.

Eric, sorry for being bitchy at you this morning. You can now read below and see how pissed off I am.

I am controlling myself not to bitch out at the woman in the next room. I am trying very hard not to pick up the cordless keyboard and throw it at her. I am trying very hard to be nice to her and she fucking doesn’t deserve anything from me at this point in time. I am this close to fucking getting out of this house, so I can fucking fulfill her fucking request.

What did I find out this afternoon from my dad? A whole bunch of fucking crap. We were stuck in traffic, thanks to the closing of one of the main gates. So he was talking to me about mum. Yes, my dear mother. I asked dad if it was fine with him, if Jen can stay with us till I graduate. She wants to stay here and see us grad, and then go to the state. My dad told me that last night, my dearest fucking mother, who must have came home drunk, came at 2:30 and started yelling at him. What was she yelling about? She was telling him that she wanted me out of the house by May.

How did that make me feel? That just made me feel like shite. Sure I hid it from my dad, but inside I was fucking miserable. So fucking sue me. I know I’m being an ass to her, but it’s kind of VERY hard not to. Ever since the Michael incident, she’s been a fucking bitch. I mean hell, I tried to kiss her a week and a half after that, and she told me to not kiss her saying that my mouth was unclean. Oh yeah right. Who’s being an immature brat here? Me or her? Everyone says her, and I have to agree. I don’t like other people bad mouthing her, but it’s the damn truth right now.

Then my dad loaded all this crap on me about my Korean relatives. I just found out that I don’t have a normal extended Korean family. In fact, I’ve got a dysfunctional family. Har har. So fucking funny. I’ve found out way too many shit today, that no one EVER bother to tell me! So yeah I can understand now, why she’s stressed and why she hates it when I am being a bitch to her. But you know what? How the fuck was I supposed to understand when no one told me NOTHING! I always blamed this on her menopause and the fact that she was Asian, but it’s a fucking combination of all 3 now.

Well I’m sorry she’s having relatives problems, but you know what? I’ve tried to be nice to her. I’ve fucking tried to cuddle up to her and shite like that and she won’t accept me. Right now she’s fucking bitching at me to go to bed. Well I sure ain’t, until I finish this! … Damn. I am seriously thinking about leaving in June. I love my mum, and if it means that I have to get out of the damn house for her to be happy, then by Gods I will. I don’t care if I got no money, I’ll become a whore if I have to. I am sick of this crap. I’m sorry I’m a bum, I’m sorry I’m a irresponsible child, and I’m fucking sorry that I am not a Korean kid! I’m fucking sorry that I believe in American principles rather than Korean’s! I’m just sorry that you even got me. If I am such a burden to you now, then why the do you not say so in my face instead of having dad to tell me?!

Shite… looks like I’m gonna be crying in bed now. Fuck her. Fuck everyone. And my msn name is Damn you, everyone. I don’t care, yet I do fucking care. My dad told me to brown-nose and kiss her ass for the next few month claiming she’s in depression and that we both need to help her! Well she fucking cerrtainly doesn’t seem like she’s in depression. And she wonders why I’m on the computer all the time. Well mum, it’s because, it’s the best way to escape from you. Sad. It is my escape from reality and you above all. I love you, and I hate you. Damn it.

And yes I’m whining in this blog, but fuck it. I don’t care. By tomorrow I’ll be myself again, yet that stupid message of me getting out of the house in May will be in my brain now. No, not my brain, but my heart.

Comments

  1. Yikes. Sorry about the situation with your mom. But going out and whoring for money isn’t the best thing to do. I know it’s tuff but you have to stick it out. Make sure you think things through before acting on them. Wish the best for you.

  2. Chibi Misao on

    You have so much potential that it’d be a pity and a complete waste of your intelligence to give up and become something you really don’t want to be.

    I hope you’ll think things over and that everything’ll straighten out for you soon.

    *hugs*

  3. ..i know it must hurt really bad when the one who is suppose to love you the most hurts you the most.. you have every right to expect unconditional love from your mom no matter what you have done or said.. but for yourself and peacefulness within yourself, you need to try and not be so angry inside cuz it will only torment your mind and your hatred and anger towards her will grow.. as for being in such a hurry to leave home and getting away from your mom, life is really hard out there on your own, you’ll be walking away from the security of your home and family and all the comforts you might easily take for granted, like your phone and tv, your computer, the privacy of your bedroom, long showers and all your free meals.. and you risk putting permanent distance with your mom that you hate yet love.. so unless you have some kind of financial security, i suggest you stay right where you are.. it won’t always be so bad, be strong, find solace in the things you love to do and with your friends.. don’t ever walk away from your family cuz then something will always be missing in your life.. and that will hurt even mores.. be grateful for the things you do have.. i wish you happiness..

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